I haven't been making time for my friends right now, or they haven't been making time for me. It's one or the other. Lately I've been finding myself friend-less. Everybody is just so busy with their own lives you know? So it's really special when someone takes the time out to spend with you because by doing that they are showing you that you are meaningful and have priority over the other stuff that they've got. And you know that they're you're friends when you can just sit in silence, or watch a movie, or just simply be around each other and enjoy each other's company. But yeah, lately...I feel like I'm back in grade school or kindergarten...going through the whole, "friend phase." Like.."we're friends, and we're not." It feels weird to be back at this place again later in life. It feels like though I should be established and rooted in deep friendships. But I'm not. No, not really. I have four friends that I keep in touch with that are super close, but all of them are out-of-state; Carrie, Brittany, Katy, and well, another named MiKayla, but we're not that close, but our friendship is unique. All 4 of these girls have had a great impact on my life. And don't feel sorry for me, I'm not looking for a pitty party, I'm just stating things as they are, as they are from my perspective. And don't get me wrong, I have friends here, but some of them are seasonal. I know I have a few that if we don't work together, or go to school together, once we don't have that class or job together, then the friendship kinda dissipitates. I mean, sure, I would love to keep in touch with them, but once they leave work or school they are hard to get a hold of or they just don't have time to hang out with you because they have other stuff, and really, you're not their priority anymore, it's a seasonal things. And it's sucks, because you would like to really remain friends with them, but it just doesn't work out. And I understand that friends may come and go, it's just letting them go is the hard part. I love relationships, and I guess I would count myself as a loyal friend. I will be there for that person in a heart beat if they needed me. But what I don't like, is one sided friendships. I don't like those at all, and although I want to hang on to them and not let them go, I end up just letting them go. Because if it's a one way conversation (and by that I mean if the person is not pursuing you back after you have pursued them..then just let them go). And if they want to continue the relationship/friendship, it's on their part to come to you. But hunny, just let 'em go! I've been learning to do that lately...and it turns out...that I really don't have very many friends at all! But I'm the type of person that would rather have one very close friend then 30 "friends." I get along better in intimate relationships, and by intimate I mean quality time relationships, where you make the time to hang out together, and your pursue each other. Uggggg...I really don't like friendships where you feel like you're under somebody else's feet, (if you feel like you're always being held to a higher standard, or being judged by that person or not being able to let loose and be yourself around that person...but they call you a friend). I guess those aren't really friendships. Yeah, not at all. They're certainly more like acquaintences.
Oh, this summer I had a really hard pill to swallow...my mentor of about 4 years let me go without telling me, they decided that I wasn't to be mentored by them anymore. I approached this person about feeling left out by them, as though they never had time for me anymore, and they blatantly told me that they don't. And I was heart broken, and I just felt betrayed. But one thing that was hard for me to undertand that I now understand is that even though we aren't spending as much time together anymore, and even though it's not like it used to be, it still doesn't change who we are to each other and it doesn't disqualify ever moment that we've ever spent and shared together. Our deep love for each other as friends is still there, and she loves me very much, and I love her very much (friendship love guys....just to clarify), and even if we don't hang out as much as we used to, that love is still there. Our past moments together don't just stop, now that we're not together as much. Because she still knows me and cares for me very much and we're just on different paths in life now. But time and space shouldn't be the friendship stopper. The lesson learned here was that even if you haven't seen you're closest of friends in years and years, or don't have the time to spend with each other as you once used to, the now doesn't disqualify the then. And if I may only see my friends 20 years down to road, we will still have a place in our hearts for each other, and we carry those people in our hearts. And if and when we meet again, we can pick up right where we left off, that is, If time permitts. It REALLY stunk to learn this lesson, but that was my realization this summer, is that even though my friends are far away, or if we don't talk to each other as much anymore, we are still friends nonetheless. Friendships aren't broken because of time or distance. If you see that person 20 years down the road, you will have the same love in your heart for them.
And believe me, it's still a hard lesson for me to learn, and I'm still learning to accept it. But it's true. Even though I felt devastated, and I didn't want to accept it, I came to realize that it's truth. I just put so much hope and trust in people, that when I do feel thrown away by them, I feel torn, and then I shut down, and I just want to throw it all out of the window, all of it. Ever heard of the expression don't throw away the baby with the bath water? So yeah. My first reaction is to do just that, to just chuck everything out the window. But that's not how life works at all. It's just not.
So right now, at the current moment, I can honestly say that I have only one friend, and that is my husband. Well, that's not true, this Summer both Brian and I have developed a unique friendship with Mark and Heather, and so when we get together, we just hang out, and we be ourselves. It's fun. I enjoy hanging out with them. And it's funny...lol...all of us are so differen't in ages, Brian is 20, I'm 21, Heather is 30, and Mark if 57, but we are all of the closest of friends, we share the same passions, heart ambitions, visions, and we pursue each other. As far as I can tell. :) And I know that there is a season for everything. So, I'm just enjoying being in this season now. Yup. And I still have other life long friends, like my friends in different states and such, but we're just not on the same life path at this point and time.
Well dear ones,
Off I go,
-Your Fellow Chocolatier
P.S., I am enjoying the miracle of friendship, are you?
Here guys, check this video out, it's funny as heck but it is soooo true!
(You gotta watch it all the way through to get the point of why I posted it on here). So, if you're not gonna watch it all the way, then don't watch it aight? :)
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